testosterone's up. libido's sky rocketing to the universe. this is the dangerous part.

Early morning porn is what i need ----not! ha!

ugh

when i walk down the street and a guy of my type appears all of a sudden, my eyes, without any doubt, instantaneously become like magnets, but of course, on a subtle fashion.  it has already became a reflex. and i hate it because it reminds me more and more each day that there's this 1 in a million chance that i would end up with my kind of guy. the real ones, the tough ones. 

oh boy friend.

once i found out how it is like to be in love and be loved in return, i never had the chance to stop myself from searching. the process of finding the one most significant thing that ever come across human race is difficult, specially when you perceive it as a ticking time bomb, ready to go off anytime. i was always in a hurry, that's why most of my relationships fail. 

i remember that after my first heart break, it was mayhem. i was a man whore. hungry for a replacement, needing, yearning, longing for that another guy who will again make my heart skip a beat. three years after, guy after guy after guy, still, no one. 

it gets through me when i'm tired or when my libido's firing off the roof. 

i actually have a "boyfriend" now. he loves me, we've known each other for 18......18 days, it sucks, why did i again give in to my vulnerability. i don't love him.

for most of us, life was never fair. but it is actually, even for my "boyfriend." he had a choice not to give in. so to get rid of the guilt, i would stand up for this kind of reasoning. for how long? for how long am i going to this to people? breaking hearts? triggering tear ducts?

this is one reason why i wish i am straight. love might not be this harsh on the opposite end. 

love should come in passion, it has to be intense, it has to possess a strong sense of power that would overwhelm both parties. love has been and will always be addictive. it is erotic. it should overpower the common everyday pleasures. 

my kind of love, you're there somewhere. 

so, later!

sana ako na lang ang inaakyat mo! hahaha

i'm not gay, i just learned how to appreciate every element that makes a guy sexy. ha! whatever!! hahahah

first post

this is it. i finally decided to create a closet blog or whatever. i have been blogging for quite some time now and this is my first time to do this....this is me, my stories about being gay and miserable. there's a lot of black in pink and i have to vent it out.

so, that's not me. i dont know the guy personally but i just love looking at him. i know that he isn't gay. well i hope he is but i think he's definitely not the type. oooh, but i really hope he would be gay just for me..hahahah anyway...wtf.... a lot of the guys i like or i have a crush to would definitely fit in on his category. by the way, he loves the outdoors, he surfs and he climb mountains, he has a great smile and a sun kissed body. this just reminds me of how i hate being gay. you know when were kids, like when were really really small and helpless rascals, that's how i feel when i see guys of my type. and that's what i hate. i have a lot of insecurities and it wouldn't help if there would be another one waiting on the line. 

that guy above is not again gay. or maybe he is but i don't know. i don't know him. but he's cute right? haha

one thing about me is that i rarely, or if not, never find a typical homosexual attractive. i like real men you know, tough guys and that is my problem. one of the things i'm longing for is real, romantic, over the top puppy love and yea, because i like straight men, there's never going to be a happy ending for me. BUT, i'm still not giving up. love, i know he's there.

so wow, i went all the way for this first post. and i would be posting and posting and posting on this blog because if im destined to be gay, i would really love to make the most out of it. being a homme, ugh i mean a homo, yea, it has its perks, but... it definitely gets to me sometimes.

so, later!