"Hindi ako halata." That three words are just bits of what you can read sa karamihan ng mga profiles ng mga downelink and planetromeo members. Hindi daw sila halata o kaya naman, naghahanap sila ng mga equally discreet or in-the-closet men like "them."

"Yung maangas lang at astig kasama!"

Napaisip ako bigla, is it naturally appealing to us "gays" to see or hear those words from people like us. From my own personal viewpoint, definitely, yes! And I know that the thought stems out from our vulnerability to give in to straight men. Itatanggi mo ba na hindi ka attracted sa isang totoong adan? Probably, some of you right now have already created thoughts to deny my argument. Because I suddenly remember my friend to whom I had a discussion with on what makes a man attractive to him. "Smart and intellectual," over and over he emphasized on how important it is to have the ability to carry out a sensible conversation. He firmly believes that what makes a guy sexy is his brain and not his butt. I totally agree. But when I asked him, "paano kung mas feminine pa sa'yo?"

"No!" with the emphasis on the exclamation point. By the speed of his response, I know that he didn't even consult his neurons.

Ayan, classic example, maybe we want our smart and intellectual boys to still be masculine at "hindi ako halata" at all. On a subconscious level, we want the latter characteristic to pair up with whatever attributes we want from a guy. And for me, it predominates. I don't know if it's good or bad.

Yun ang x-factor na hanap ko, yung pagiging "hindi halata." Personal preference, at madami tayong may gusto niyan. Isa sa mga paraan natin para ma-narrow down yung choices. Given na nagiging ganyan yung "trend," what is expected is for gay people to say na hindi sila halata, nang kahit saang naknampuchang anggulo mo tingnan, eh halata sila!

For example this guy I met a year ago, angas magsalita sa chat, blah blah, mukhang okay din sa mga sinesend na pictures, so ayos, meet na agad, booty call eh, yung hormones lakas ng daloy sa buong katawan, kahit madaling araw na sugod pa din!

Alam mo na kung ano ang susunod na kwento. Buti na lang mabait ako sa kapwa ko at hindi ko sinabing "sure ka ikaw yung nakikipagusap sakin sa chat, PARE?"

So that's the bad side of it. I was desperate and he was too. I was immensely driven by the rush of hormones in my body kasi i thought for a moment that he possess the x-factor! And on his part, I guess it was a lack of self-awareness. At alam kong madaming ganyan ngayon. Sa mga profiles nakalagay hindi daw sila halata, but then kapag nagkita kayo, kulang na lang mag-heels siya para complete outfit na. Piece of gay advice: Be yourself! Kung you're gearing towards the effeminate side, then be it! Huwag mong i-supress yung sarili mo sa mga bagay na makakapag define sayo. Hindi lang sa mas naging honest ka sa sarili mo, naging honest din sa iba.

All of us are trying to find someone else to be with, and for any reason that we're searching, we do not want ourselves to end up being half way real.

Si Miss Chuniverse, may tinatawag na "yummy common pipol," at nadagdagan ang frustrations ko sa buhay nung araw na nalaman ko yun.

Surprised. Lahat sila surprised nung nalaman nilang seryoso ako sa mga sinasabi ko. Yes, i am a complete fool when it comes to "yummy common pipol."

Lahat ng pics kinuha ko sa site ni Miss Chuniverse ng walang paalam.

Yan! Ganyan! Yang nakikita niyo sa taas, patok na patok sa pang-lasa ko yan.

Mga tambay sa kanto, yung mga nagbabasketball tuwing hapon, namamawis...half naked...barefoot. Gusto kong pumunta sa gitna, at pumito at pagkatapos sumigaw ng, "Booooys!!!! Stop! Time out muna! It's your turn to shoot on me." ANO DAW????!!!!

Swak din sa pang-lasa ko yung mga pedicab drivers na naka-sando, gusgusin at para bang hirap na hirap na sa araw araw na pagpadyak. Pero mas swak sa pang-lasa ko yung mga naka-shorts lang habang nagpepedal. Kitang kita ko yung konting fats at konting muscle kapag nakaflex yung trunk nila. Parang ang sarap hawakan. Pero ang pinaka-swak sa lahat ay kapag rainy season. Bakat? Ay bakit pala!! ANO DAWW???

Fantasy, fetish, trip, whatever you call it, nangangarap talaga ako na minsan makatikim ng isang "yummy common" person of my preference. And I can't believe myself that I'm considering paying just to fulfill my uncultured desires. I guess, kanya kanya lang yan.

May ilang bagay akong naiisip:
1. Is "uncultured" the most appropriate term to describe these kind of desires? Or based from the way our society lives today, what is cultured and what isn't?

2. Where did these desires stem from? Hindi naman ako nakakita ng kalendaryong may nakahubad na pedicab driver sa bahay namin nung bata ako! and

3. What if katabi ko ngayon ay isang replica ng sarili ko, yun nga lang straight, at hanap niya ay mga  chicks. Paano kaya ang way of thinking niya? Paano kaya siya mag-aact? Paano niya kaya ivevent out yung frustrations niya on his fantasies? Curious lang ako on how does a straight guy manage to contain his sexual inhibitions?

I envy these bloggers, Nimmy and Miss Chuniverse . Kapag nagbabasa ako ng blog nila, pakiramdam ko para akong nanunuod ng stand up comedy.

"Binabakla" nila ang buhay. I always feel relieved kapag nagbabasa ng mga posts nila. Masaya, simple lang pero may laman, at may utak. What I mean with my utak, is that creative ang approach. Para bang yung mga hirit ni vice ganda, "binakla" pero may utak! At katulad nung blogs ni nimmy and miss chuni, halatang baklang may utak ang nagsusulat. 

And that makes me a proud homosexual! Kaya siguro, that's one reason why I resurrected this blog. (Ako na ang rumu-resurrect! haha) I created this a year ago, para i-out ang mga frustrations ko about being gay. From point A to point Z. Pero hindi din natuloy, kasi I can't invest all my creative energy here. But! I came to realize na I ain't no Carrie Bradshaw, and this blog or my writing per se will never in a million be perfect. So like Nimmy and Miss Chuniverse, I think I'll just go right through it this time around. So I'm being real and raw with this blog. (Pero hindi ako mag-oout dito ha! Hindi dito ang tamang lugar!! hahah) From one stand point, I think therapeutic din ito. Simpleng labasan ng "gay" thoughts that I don't usually express to my "gay" friends, and boy friend. Yes, I'm not that tagong tago. I am a twenty something gay guy in Manila and the least position I want to experience is that having no gay friends. And again, second yes, I have a boyfriend. But siyempre, tsaka na ang kwento about sa kanila. I think if I'll be regular here, you might actually get to know them. 

So, I think, to start off, it will be best if I tell something about myself. Well, I first outed myself when i was in second year college, and after four years, my career on being a homosexual sky rocketed! (yan na yung introductory part) Puwedeng advantage, puwede ding disadvantage, depends on where stand point you are. But as I yet to turn another year older, I wonder, was my innocence taken away from me at that of an early age? 

So hanggang wonder wonder lang muna tayo ngayon ha. Kailangan ko pa mag-gym at mag-aral.